Hey.

I guess I haven't been here in a few days, have I? ::sigh:: Well, I've been kind of busy.

Dammit. I promised myself I wouldn't cry

Alone, away, no matter were I go, I find you. You just won't leave me alone, you miserable bastard. In my heart, in my mind, I see you, looking down at me. I hate you for that. You protect me as if you think I can't protect myself. What I hate more is that I took advantage of that habit. I knew you were there to back me, so I just let myself go. I can't do that anymore.

I've changed. I... I am expecting something you might be surprised at. There's a baby on the way.

It's funny. You're dead and I'm gonna join you pretty darn quickly, yet here I stand, alone on a hot, summer day staring at dirt. Dirt doesn't hold the answer for anything. Hell, you didn't hold the answers either. I could go into a diatribe about Section manipulations, but what would be the point? It's cliche`. I exhausted every righteously indignant speech I had towards them years ago.

I miss you.

It's probably going to be a girl. The sonogram guy says he can't tell because the baby's turned the wrong way. Truly don't know how he could tell one way or another. It was like watching a video feed of scuba divers. At night. In the Marianas trench. With no light. Anyway, back to the girl topic, I just have a feeling.

Karla's going to take care of her. And how, you ask, did I get the high and holy Ops to agree to this?

I promised her my death, a quiet one, if my friend could raise our child. It seemed fitting.

Karla's been a jewel. Even though I hadn't talked to her in years, we picked up pretty fast. She got married and divorced. I never did tell you about her, did I?

She was there for only the first year out. She moved out with her husband and we lost touch. Don't worry, she's great. She's totally estatic about becoming an 'aunt.'

Ha.

Little does she know.

Anyway, Karla's facinated by my body. Hell, I'M facinated by my body. I had no idea waist lines could expand this large. I'm really having fun with the junk food. Lord knows I won't need my waistline in a few months, so why bother? Hey, you ever tried spinich and broccoli pizza? Oh, yum. I think I know what I'm getting for dinner.

It's really odd. By all rights and purposes, I should be grieving over you; balling my eyes out in some support group and crying myself to sleep. It kind of surprised me that I didn't shoot myself right after. I guess I just felt it was another part of our relationship. Thing is, I always assumed I would go first. I was pretty sure something would come up that would get me cancelled. I think this is the best of the ways.

We'll get to live on. You know neither of us had any illusions in that respect. We both knew we were going to kick the bucket some time or another. I always used to whine about how we never truly got the chance to live freely. We were "slaves and unappreciated." Shit, I'm dumb.

We've probably lived more in a few years than most people do in a lifetime. Fuck. That sounds cliche.

You know, I've never really understod my flair for the metaphysical. I was always going on about about light and dark, the soul and my existance. I never knew I believed in the soul before Section. I never really had the luxury. Hell, I never really cared. I was just a person, anonymous and homeless. No one else cared, so neither did I.

Isn't it ironic? If you hadn't bothered to care, I probably would have become one of the section's finest. Hmph. You'd probably still argue that I was the section's finest. But if you hadn't treated me the way you did I would have been a mechanical survival machine that didn't think or care or even blink.

Somehow, in those first few years, I saw you cared what I did. A flash behind the eyes, a nod every now and then. Whether you knew it or not, you were opening something in me; my emotion. I should probably have given you holy hell for that.

You know, even if Madeline would let me go, I don't think I would leave. Of course I want to see our child grow, but I know that I could never be a stable, let alone, *good* parent. I can't go back to life outside, it's too boring. Like it or not, the Section is *never* boring.

::sigh:: I guess I should stop waxing poetic and go in, right? I still find it weird coming out here, but I guess conversations are conversations. You never said much to begin with, now I get completely free reign.

I miss you.

I can't wait to see you again.

I love you.

Goodbye.